By Ben Smith:
In keeping with my traditional Thanksgiving week column, I’m prepared to tell you all of the reasons why you shouldn’t eat turkey on Thursday. At this point, I don’t even think it would be a proper Thanksgiving week without me griping about the traditional meal that most of you will consume. However, if I persuade just one of you to get outside of the box this week and eat an actual good meal, then my work here will be more than worth the time it takes to write it.
First things first, why are you even eating turkey on Thanksgiving? Have you ever thought to ask yourself that question before? I mean, it’s not turkey season. Turkey wasn’t even the main course at the first Thanksgiving feast back in the day. If it was consumed at all it was a side attraction (most accounts of the first Thanksgiving meal included fowl but the descriptions do not specify which variety). On another note, cooking turkey is apparently one of the most hazardous meals that one can prepare based on all of the videos the fire department is putting on social media over the last week. Do you really want to risk death or disfigurement via fire for a dried-out bird?
Next, turkey contains the amino acid (whatever that is) tryptophan. This makes you sleepy. Well, tryptophan itself doesn’t make you sleepy, but it helps produce serotonin and melatonin, which are hormones that control your sleep cycle. So, you eat this bland bird with an abundance of stuffing, mashed potatoes, and a pan of buttered rolls and your body dumps a ton of insulin thus making you spend the rest of the day asleep in your recliner while your wife and kids fight each other putting up the Christmas tree. Yeah, that sounds great. The only positive I see in this is that you’ll probably sleep right through the Cowboys and Chiefs game and be spared from having to watch the cameras pan back and forth between Jerry Jones and Taylor Swift.
Now that I’ve painted a glorious picture for you, here’s what you can do instead to break the cycle and have a Thanksgiving you’ll remember for years. First, tell your wife that you’re the man of your domain and that turkey is off the menu. She’s going to be mad at you for standing up to her, but this is going to come in handy for later. Her anger is going to cause her to not want to look at your face for a while. Now is your chance to do something manly and save the day, and possibly your marriage. Since she won’t want you around for a while, slip off into the woods and kill a deer.
When you return home with a deer she will instinctively be turned on by your masculinity and ability to provide for your family. For good measure, when you return home with your deer, make sure you still have blood on your hands and clothing. This enhances your appeal and makes you almost entirely irresistible. She will see this, and the meat that you have provided, and she will forget that you even had an argument. You are now in complete control of your domicile. You are the ruler of your kingdom. Now I don’t do this, but if you want to go even another step further, eat the raw liver of the deer right in front of her. If you choose this route, however, be advised that one of two things may happen: one, she may think that you are the toughest, sexiest thing on the planet, or two, you may soon find yourself hit with a restraining order. That’s just one of the gambles with eating uncooked food, so proceed with caution.
Now that you’ve asserted dominance over your household, get up on Thanksgiving morning ready to get to work. You’ve got deer meat, or venison if you prefer the Yankee translation, to cook for the whole family. Start out with the appetizer. For this, you will need about forty half-inch thick cuts around four to five inches long and an inch wide of hind-quarter meat. Soak that meat in Dale’s seasoning for about thirty to forty-five minutes. Roll them up in half slices of bacon with jalapeño peppers in the middle. Put a toothpick through them and grill over charcoal. Don’t use a gas grill or pellet grill because those are for sissies. That last step is important toward maintaining your masculine appeal to the Mrs.
Your next course is a southern staple, fried backstrap. Cut the meat into half-inch thick medallions. Soak them in a milk and egg wash using eggs that you stole from your neighbors chickens. This also shows your wife your adventurous side. Mix a generous amount of Tony’s seasoning with flour and coat the meat. Finish it off by baptizing it in pure 100% peanut oil. If someone in your family has a peanut allergy, give them a bag of Cheetos and make them eat on the porch.
Dessert is the final part of the meal. What about the sides, you might ask? We’re eating meat, we don’t need no sides. But dessert, we are going to have. For something sweet, take the other side of the backstrap and cut it up into half-inch thick medallions again. But this time, marinate it with apple juice for a couple of hours. Put your medallions on the grill (charcoal only) and baste them with barbeque sauce. If you want an additional sweetener, sprinkle a little cinnamon on top just before you pull the meat off the grill. Voila!
Now you’ve got a brand-new Thanksgiving meal tradition that can be carried on for years to come. Obviously, some of this is satire. You really shouldn’t steal eggs from your neighbor unless they spend day after day blowing leaves. Then I think it’s perfectly acceptable. Happy Thanksgiving, you guys!
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