By Ben Smith:
Alright, it’s time to make a confession to you folks. I haven’t been level with you in a while now so it’s time to come clean. Before you get all excited, I don’t have some major scandal to report, but I’ve been dishonest. I’ve written tons of columns about how to do this and how to do that and what drives people to hunt. I’ve written columns about how much enjoyment I get out of being in the outdoors. Those columns aren’t untrue and being in the woods is a major driving force for me, but there’s more to it. Somewhere at some point I’ve lost what I loved most about hunting.
You see, hunting should be something that you enjoy. It should be something that you want to share with others. For me, it used to be that way. I loved being around the guys at the camp. There was even a time when I loved tagging along with guys running dogs just to be out with the guys. Now, I don’t know if I’ve added pressure to myself by writing this column each week, but something has changed over the last few years. I took what used to be about fun and turned it into work.
I’m a very competitive person at my core. If you do twenty push-ups, I’m going to do twenty-five. If you stay in your stand for three hours, I’m going to stay for four. That’s just the way I’m built. The problem with that is I took something that shouldn’t be competitive and turned it into just that. But I’m not competing with anyone else. I’m competing with myself. And although that can be a healthy exercise most of the time, I’ve turned it from competition to obsession which has led to frustration.
Imagine being frustrated about something that used to bring you so much joy regardless of the end result. I can’t tell you how many hunts I’ve been on in the last couple of years to leave with an empty and angry feeling in my core. It’s unhealthy and when you put things into perspective, it’s downright stupid. I haven’t felt that way about all of my hunts where I left with an empty cooler because I’ve had some really good days by anyone’s standards that didn’t result in dead deer, but I’ve been angrier about far more hunts than I should. This year I’ve driven home more times feeling pissed off than I have feeling fulfilled and that’s a problem.
So, what has to change? Somehow I’ve got to convince myself that the things I’ve written about so many times are true. That it’s really not about how big the buck was but more about the entire experience. Lately, I’ve found myself complaining because the bucks I’ve been seeing aren’t good enough. When in the (blank) did a buck become not good enough for me? Heck, I didn’t even kill a rack buck until I was in college. Of course I want to kill mature bucks. Who doesn’t? But to see several bucks in a hunt and leave aggravated is stupid when you think about it. Twenty years ago, I would have sold my neighbor’s soul to see the bucks I see now. What changed?
I know it’s cliché and exhausting to keep blaming social media for things, but I really think I allowed myself to buy into the hype. And it’s nobody’s fault but mine. I follow so many great hunters on social media and they always seem to be killing big bucks. I wanted what they had. I coveted. Not for the social media praise, but for the competitive drive that lives deep inside of me. If they can do it, why couldn’t I’? I created a competition to kill the best bucks possible on whatever property I was on. And a lot of times I have. And guess what, it’s never enough.
I had a good friend tell me one time to “curb my expectations.” It was great advice that I never followed. I was relentless in my pursuit of the perfect hunt with the perfect buck. I became a loner. I quit going hunting with friends, opting for days when nobody else was hunting. I’d turn down a trip to hunt and hang out with a friend in favor of a cold tent alone in the woods. Has it been fulfilling? I thought it was, but it absolutely has not.
So, that’s my confession to all of you and to myself- that I turned what used to be something fun into something that never feels quite fulfilling enough. That I lied to the three people that read this each week and tried to convince you that sleeping in a cold tent by yourself is the greatest experience ever. If you really want to know what it feels like- it’s freaking cold and it’s lonely. Sure, it’s an adventure at times and you can thump your chest and tell the world how tough you are, but after a while you’re left yearning for something more.
If you’re really looking for a good hunting experience, go with people you love. Share time together. Forget about how big the buck is. Cook a big meal, stay up late laughing, and oversleep the next morning. At the end of the day, those are the hunting stories that are going to mean more to you as time passes. I’m going to do my best in the future to heed this advice. I truly miss the companionship that goes along with hunting and plan to get back to what used to make me happy…time with friends.
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