By Ben Smith:
There’s probably not a liar on the planet worse than a fisherman. They are so associated with lying that we’ve been gifted the phrases, “a fish story”, “telling a tall tale”, or “a fisherman’s tale.” Most of us have had that friend in our lives. He’s that guy that takes a story, twists it a little (or a lot), and tells it with such enthusiasm in hopes of fooling the audience into believing him. Me, personally, I like telling stories, too. I’d like to think most of them are true, but I’m sure a lot of my old stories have become a mixture of reality, and my own perception of how the event happened. Nevertheless, I like a good story, so I’ll tell you a new one about heroism and nature.
If you’ve seen me over the last week, you might have noticed the bandage on my left hand. It’s not a large bandage so I’ve been able to fly under the radar for the most part, and I was going to keep it that way. You see, I don’t need the added publicity for this injury, but I’m willing to bet that a lot of you like a good story just like I do, so I’ll lay this one out for you.
It was Wednesday evening, and I was sitting on the porch minding my own business, like I often do. The sun was still out enough to keep the streetlights from coming on in our once quiet neighborhood. The squirrels were scurrying around the yard feeding and playing before returning to their nests for the night. I was reading a Charles Dickens novel when a loud yell broke my concentration. I looked in the direction I thought the yell came from (I’m practically deaf in one ear) and saw a young child running up the street. I thought that was odd, but what was behind the child was even more odd.
Even though this is South Mississippi, there was a full grown Grizzly Bear chasing the child. Now, I had an eye exam a couple of weeks ago and they assured me that my prescription hadn’t changed, so I had to wipe my eyes to make sure what I was seeing was reality. Upon further inspection, I realized what I saw was accurate. Well, like any other red-blooded American man would, I tossed Dickens over the rail and took off across the yard in the direction of the fracas.
Now, this bear was no ordinary Grizzly. He had red eyes and stood at least eight feet tall. I knew I was about to be in the fight of a lifetime. I approached the great beast and positioned myself between him and the child. He stood up on his back legs to try and intimidate me. Unfortunately for this bear, I’ve had to fight my way out of a night club in Mississippi a time or two in my life, so he didn’t know what he’d gotten himself into. He charged directly at me but even at forty years old I’m still quicker than a cat. I sidestepped the bear and immediately put him in a rear naked choke hold just like I’d learned from “Rowdy” Roddy Piper when I was a kid watching wrestling every Sunday night.
The bear groaned in pain and flailed about trying to get out of my death grip, but I wasn’t going to let go. Within moments, the beast was subdued and passed out at the end of my driveway. His body went limp and I gently released him from my grip. When my adrenaline died down, I noticed that my left hand was bleeding. In the initial contact, he must have gotten one good bite, but it was worth it to be a hero for the day. Thanks to some quick feet, some WWF wrestling moves, and my true masculine American spirit, our neighborhood is now safe again.
Now, I don’t consider myself enough of a fisherman to be telling big lies, but I do like to fish. And that story is a pretty dang good story, if you ask me. For instance, it’s a heckuva lot better than a story about cutting up an avocado and hurting yourself. I mean, who even tries to stab that little golf ball sized seed anyway? Can you imagine how much fun you’d make of someone if they told you they required stitches because they wanted an avocado for a late night snack? I’d never let them hear the end of that. Anyways, if you need someone to keep your neighborhood safe from Grizzly Bears, I’m your guy. Just don’t give me any sharp objects because there’s no telling what I might do.
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